We’re all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what’s coming. It’s pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.

~ Meredith in “I Always Feel Like Someone’s Watching Me (S06E03)

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we’re dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

~ Meredith, S06E01- Good Mourning

“We crave what we can’t attain, but we disrespect what we can’t escape…”

Hmmm…why are human beings so contradictory?

Don’t allow yourself to be consumed by life’s problems; be consumed with life’s joys.

I wish it was that easy. Perhaps I’m just a born pessimist. Or maybe it’s just a passing phase. It sucks, but for me right now, the cup just seems half empty on most days. It’s not that I don’t observe shittier things in life on a daily basis that outweighs all the crap in my life. Nevertheless, the cup still feels half empty.

I’m now finally taking some time off from work, life and all the crap in my life (hopefully). I hope that at the end of it, I will be less burnt out and perhaps the cup will be half full when I return…

This is a sequel to Cyanide’s post entitled Because Work is Too Much

What happens when work is too much?

1. You do not want to go to sleep at night even though you are super tired, because going to sleep, means the end of the day and fast forwarding to tomorrow.

2. Your 3 alarm clock rings, and you’ve snoozed them 15 times and yet you can’t seem to get your ass off the bed to get ready for work.

3. And when you’ve finally gotten yourself upright in bed, you think to yourself, is there any reason to not go to work today.

4. You finally drag your feet to work, and put on a super fake smile when you meet people you know. Somedays, you can’t even fake a smile.

5. Everything irritates you.

6. You spend the day wondering why the hell did you take up this profession.

7. You count the hours, then the minutes to clocking out.

8. You finally come back from work just to go into denial about going to sleep again because tomorrow is another day – the same shit, different day.

I’ve had three ICU calls in a row, and it has been bad. I was practically busy the entire time, the phone wouldn’t stop ringing until I now carry a phone charger in my on-call bag. I even had to change my ringtone, because I cound no longer stand hearing the intro to Linkin Park’s New Divide.

Yesterday was totally horrific. I was literally running to and fro from ICU to the Redzone, which is 5 floors apart til my legs were gonna break. On top of that, I had so many other referrals from the wards in the 7th and 8th floor. If anyone wants to lose weight, why not try doing an ICU call in my hospital. Of course, you’ve also gotta be the “jonah” type and not the type who gets to sleep all night til you have a bedsore.

I transfered out and brought in so many new patients into ICU last night that my friend congratulated me on changing the population of ICU. Wow, what an achievement that I don’t need at the moment. Why, oh why can’t I have a peaceful call?

So exhausted by everything and worse still, I’m on call again tomorrow! Yippee! Ugh!

Guess I better sleep more and conserve more energy.

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……..

I’ve taken a break from light reading as recently I’ve been so fed up with work until my brain has given out on me and refuses to even tolerate light reading. So I’m back to a less intelectual past time – watching tv series. However, I seem to be hopping from one series to another, so basically I’m halfway through everything. Bones-Gossip Girl-Burning Flame III-Grey’s Anatomy-House and more. How brilliantly confusing for the already tired mind and body.

Recently, I’ve also been feeling extremely tired of the political nature of my working environment. Being a totally apolitical person, I just hate working politics. Why can’t everyone just focus on getting the job done, and on putting the patient’s interest first. Instead, they seem to have so much time and energy to stab each other in the back, make extra work, bitch about one another and simply cause disharmony and unhappiness all around. Both inter and intra-departmentally. What a total waste of energy. What happened to “first, do no harm”?

Annoyed.

Disappointed.

Fed up.

Sigh.

Relationships- of all kinds- are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.

~ Kaleel Jamison, The Nibble Theory

私はもう一度同じものを食べるか？または何か他には？

それから私は、全世界の飢えた人々だと思う。

だから私はそこにある何か食べるようになる。

にもかかわらず、私は食欲がない。

場合であっても同じことが日常だ。

私はまだ食べている。

ので…

私は生きるために食べる。

I’ve been having writer’s block or should it be called blogger’s block for quite a long time. Perhaps it should be renamed as “depression”. Work’s been bad the past few months. Overworked, underpaid, the usual shit. Guess after moping around and showering myself with tons of self-pity, I’ve finally decided to stop, pick up my life and start writing again. Hopefully.

Anyway, it’s not that I’ve been doing absolutely nothing these past few months. Infact, I’ve read quite a handful of novels since June. Let me list them out for my own sense of satisfaction..

1. Playing for Pizza by John Grisham

2. Misconceptions by Terry McGee

3. My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult

4. The Pact by Jodi Picoult

5. Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult

6. Where Rainbow Ends by Cecelia Aherns

7. Salem Falls by Jodi Picoult

There you go. A great accomplishment since my attempt to regain the skills of “light reading”.

And yes, I think I’m starting to be a fan of Jodi Picoult’s works.

And slowly converting Cindy too.

Haha.